Practice, stumble, practice again

In general I’m not a ray of sunshine in the morning, but this morning was specifically absent with light. I’d had a nightmare filled with anger, powerlessness and feeling stupid, and somehow my mood wouldn’t lift. I had a party to go to… What to do?

My brain being my brain, there was a lot of internal discussion going on. One voice tried to keep me at home, explaining in a thousand ways how that was the safest option. Another voice tried to make me go out, reminding me that I think birthdays are important and adding a thousand other arguments. I won’t bore you with all the details.

I wondered how I was going to make a decision I would like, and remembered the horse shoe of have -to I created earlier during #NaBloPoMo. I realised the part of the horse shoe that stands for ‘I can’ might get me somewhere, so I made a list of ‘I can’ that felt relevant for today:
– I can go to lunch.
– I can go for a walk.
– I can paint.

The first two options were part of the party I was invited to. The third option would have me stay at home. The list of ‘can’ cleared my mind. I realised:
– I want to go to the party.
– I can go home if it’s not working for me.
– It will be easier fro me to join the lunch than a 7km walk.
– It’s lovely weather so I’d like to walk a bit.

I ended up walking to the party to join the lunch, and walking back home when the other ones went on a hike. I’m back home now, and I have time to rest before my son comes home. And time to write this post.

Since my brain has had a lot of training in negative and worried thoughts, I’ll have to practice it in the thoughts I want to have more of. The horse shoe of have-to can help me. Getting in touch with my values may help me, but only when I watch out for the difference between a value (a carrot for my inner adult or inner child) and a norm (which is a stick for my inner school master). Whatever decision I make will feel better if I manage to step away from I have to and find my way to I want to.

How will I do this after National Blog Posting Month is over and I don’t write about all this stuff any more? Hmmm, I guess I’ll have to search for my I want-to’s…

5 thoughts on “Practice, stumble, practice again

  1. Pingback: Day Nineteen – NanoPoblano – Poem/Poetry – “The First Time We Feel Rain” by David Ellis | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

  2. TooFullToWrite

    Maybe you need to put this horseshoe on your wall, since it has been effective enough for you to use it twice already! 🙂 I’m still going through the last few posts that you wrote back then in November and still finding more inspiration in them. It is clever how you have used compromise to achieve all of the goals, so as not to have worn yourself out but still been sociable/active/participate and have enough time/energy left to be creative later too.

    I’m starting to think that I string too many big tasks together into a day and when I start to separate things and focus on doing individual things well, I’m more motivated to take on other bigger tasks in the day if I have the time and energy to do so. I think we can keep continually learning, evolving and making progress in our lives using the advice that we lay out for ourselves and others. We just have to be willing to review the situations we have encountered and see what improvements we can make to help reduce stress and make things easier for ourselves. Nobody’s perfect but with fine tuning we can get close to it 😉

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    1. Angela van Son Post author

      I’d love to chat live about this over a cup of coffee! Reviewing and adapting really helps. I still haven’t finished this project, but I gained even more clarity on why it’s such a daunting task in my head. I’m working on the blockade. Which probably will take more work than the actual work itself. Welcome to being human 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. TooFullToWrite

        Lol Being human is a lot of hard work 😉 We should schedule something when it is is convenient. You’ll have to let me know the best days/times. Feel free to get in touch via Messenger on Facebook 🙂 March is going to be very busy for me I think but then so is April. Are you thinking of doing NaPoWriMo this year? I really want to do it this year. Maybe we should schedule for a chat in April then we can also discuss poetry tactics too and should have plenty more to talk about by then 😉

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