I’m tired and full of resistance, so I may as well have a look at my values to see if they can help me move forward today. My urge is to just crawl away and get noting done, and saying I needed it. If I’d really do that, I’d like it to be a positive choice and not a defensive one. So here it goes:
* Honesty (with myself and with others)
– I am really tired today.
– I think I’ve done too much this week already, even though I had promised myself to do better than last week.
Realisation: I am doing better than last week, even when I am this tired. I’ve given my inner child space and that worked.
– My resistance comes from being so tired: I’m afraid that if I get stuff done today, I’ll end up as tired as I was last week, and feel really, really stupid and like I haven’t learned anything at all.
Realisation: my inner schoolmaster has been nagging me from the moment I got up today: ‘don’t be lazy, get your stuff done, don’t give in to how you feel, work!’. My inner critic is warning me at the same time to not be stupid and make the same mistake twice. My brain is a battle ground.
Realisation 2: Someone has given me a wonderful tip on how I can integrate those different voices and make them work for me, but I haven’t followed it up yet.
Personal growth (I can deal with the setbacks because I grow from them)
Feeling this tired already in the morning is a setback. How can I deal with this in a way that makes me feel better about myself instead of worse?
Realisation: there’s something about being nice to myself, but I don’t know what that looks like yet. Adjusting my plans, by doing shorter time boxes? Following that tip about stuff that can help me? Taking the afternoon off? I’ll do more thinking about that when I’ve finished my list of values.
Family (my project is not allowed to make me exhausted and grumpy and make my loved ones suffer)
Last week I got so tired that I was unable to deal with my child as a parent, when we got into a fight. I turned into a child myself, and it was an ugly fight. I’ve said sorry and we solved it before he went to bed. I still hate that it happened though, and REALLY don’t want to have another day like that.
What does that tell me about my day today? Maybe that keeping my stress levels down today is more important than anything else. More important than my project, more important than my to do list, more important than my household task. That means that I should take the pressure off from getting things done, and make self care a priority. Things CAN get done, I don’t want it to be an excuse to do nothing. But they’ll have to got done within the framework of taking good care of myself. A priority is a priority.
Realisation: working less because I need it felt defensive. Working less today because I want to leave space for being a nice mum and partner, feels like a positive choice.
Realisation: When I feel like this, there’s no room for fun in my head. My head is filled with negative expectations about my day, not feeling that real fun is possible. Maybe ‘methadon-fun’ (meaning a substitute for real fun) is possible: doing small things that make me feel less bad. But to actually enjoy something and feel good? That seems impossible to my brain.
Realisation 2: I’m not willing to accept those ideas as true. Fun IS possible. And I need it.
I think I’m going to have a reverse day today: normally, I choose something fun as a reward for getting things done. Today, getting something done will be my reward for getting my fun done ;).
I know it sounds weird, and I don’t have a clue if it will work, but at least it got my mind into playful mode: I like this silly idea. And I’m wondering what silliness it will bring.
I’m sorry readers, my mood today makes me want to post this without working on the lay-out. Something went wrong, and working on it is just a drag. I might do it later though, the look of this pains me.
For now I’ve chosen meeting up with a friend as a self care part of the day. See you later!
#NaBloPoMo day 16